I used to say my fantasy was to be 30 and to go out with a 20-year-old. This all started when we were talking about all the weird-ass dudes out on the street and their fantasies. I figure mine was pretty simple but really, I’d have to be pretty young to be able to listen to a 20-year-old for any length of time. At some time in the past, my friend Melanie told me that there was a formula for the youngest woman I could go out with. I’m a geek, so I remember what she told me:

So working backwards, that means if I wanted to go out with a 20-year-old, by Melanie’s reckoning, I’d have to be 26.

But now my fantasy is a bit different. I’ve been going to the gym since, what, January sometime and still the yoots are kicking my ass. Even the brand new yoots. Run around the block and do as many pullups as you can and then repeat until 20 minutes is up? Holy hell, that’s a game for the 20-somethings. So now my fantasy is to be 26 when I’m at the gym.

I did, however, come up with a new plan to beat the kids at the gym. I’m going to replace my ass with helium. This isn’t completely ideal, since I wouldn’t be able to run or do any squats without an ass, but pullups would be easier.

I had no idea how much my ass weighs, so I looked on the internet. I found some data for the gluteus maximus of a mouse in the Journal of Physiology (J Physiol. 2004 December 1; 561(Pt 2): 535–545.) Now if my ass is the same percentage of my body weight as the rat’s ass is the percentage of the rat’s body weight:

So that means my ass only weighs 6 ounces? There’s something wrong with my calculations. Either that or I’m going to have to replace other parts of my body with helium.

I think I’ll go back to my earlier fantasy of being 26 at the gym. Or just being 26. I think 26 is the age I was when I got engaged. It didn’t work out, but at least things were looking up then.

And, if I recall correctly, I only weighed like 145lbs then!