I was picking on the 24YO nurse at the gym because, well, she’s 24. It only took me this long to figure out that she’s TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME. I think I mentioned how I was shredding old phone records and I found calls to my college girlfriend from 1984, the year she was born. Yeesh.

Well, she should be worried because I’m trying to figure out how to become a youth vampire. She’ll just get all dowdy like a librarian and want to yell at the kids to get off her lawn and I’ll start wearing a goatee and a porkpie hat and riding a fixed-gear bicycle around. I already see the error in my current plan, because most of the librarians I know are kind of hipsters or in the counterculture as well. I think every librarian I know has more tattoos and ferrets than I’ve ever though of having. I’ll have to rethink this plan. Also, I’m not sure that vampirism really works in any sense other than to get a guy committed or put into prison.

I’m also in a secret race to get a muscle-up before some other people at the gym. These other people are rather competitive, and it’s much easier for me to try to do it without letting them know they’re in a competition. The initial goal was to get one before the Head Honcho’s birthday in August, but these goals are all kind of mutable. The downside to being in a competition that someone else doesn’t know about is that all I can really do is go up to them if I “win” and say, “Ha HA!” without really explaining to them what I’m talking about. Most people think I’m odd enough without going up to them and saying, “Ha HA!” but I guess at this point it probably wouldn’t hurt, either.