So I was just in the bathroom looking at my ass. According to a friend of mine, a very hot tall blonde, women do this all the time looking for jiggles and cellulite. (OK, so I’m overstating things: I haven’t talked to her since 1995 so we’re not really friends.) Heck, I would have have been honored, nay, grateful, to get that kind of inspecting job and I would have done a lot to keep it.

Anyway, back, to my ass, I was looking at it because I had an itch and thought it could have been where they’d shoved the needle through my skin (and through my bone) to get the rather painful bone marrow samples, some of which were lost by those geniuses at OHSU. On closer inspection, there were scars there and one of them was what was itching. And as for my ass, it wasn’t all that impressive. Like most guys, I figure it’s back there, it’s not going anywhere, and it’s the only ass I have – so why look at it and critique it? It’s too late, though, I looked at it and it’s kind of disappointing.

It’s not like my ass matters. I was comparing notes with my friend Il about the gym, and he said he feels self-conscious there, like everyone is looking at him. I don’t think anyone is looking at me. Quite the opposite. I mean, the 22-year-old gave me a dirty look the other day, but I think she gives most everyone a dirty look except the dude with the head like a melon. (She came in tonight looking younger than usual because of a bad, almost goth-like job of applying makeup. It’s Halloween season. But she did seem to be enjoying her conversation with the dude with the head like a melon who I hadn’t seen for weeks.)

Anyway, I think if you took a survey of the people at the gym, only the two or three guys I say hello to even would have a chance of knowing I show up. Maybe also my neighbors I see there. Plus, I have a list of reasons why women don’t want to go out with me. They’re on my blog somewhere. I’m not giving anyone any more help figuring out why women shouldn’t go out with me. An Asian hipster friend of mine who always went out with hot chicks at school even wanted women to wear a button indicating whether they’d go out with Asian guys. (OK, so he refused to talk to me the last year we were both at school together, so he’s not really a friend either.)

Anyway, I think I’ll watch some science fiction and look at some pr0n like any good 40-year-old Asian guy living with his parents should do.

Oh, and this morning when I got up and went to the bathroom, I could tell that I had asparagus last night. I recognized that smell, though: the smell of my pee after I take Gleevec. So maybe it’s all a conspiracy and they’re just poking me with needles and charging me $80 per pill for ASPARAGUS TABLETS.

Yeah, I know. I should stay away from medicine and stick with my sci-fi and pr0n.