I should start with the dull stuff, complaining about A Simple Plan, the movie with Bill Paxton (the one who was the big brother in Weird Science and in Aliens — not Bill Pullman who was in Dangerous People and Independence Day), Billy Bob Thornton, and Bridget Fonda. It was slow, the people were dumb, and the losers were on a downward slope to becoming even bigger losers. In my dull life as a loser, I don’t want to see a dull movie about losers.

In any case, yesterday I stayed out way too late yammering in the ear of my friend Craig, who turned 40. He got real gifts from his real friends (who showed up to see him and hear the Ditty Twisters) but I gave him toys. And porn. A Nerf blow gun, a fake cell phone (since he hates cell phones), a toy pirate, and silly string. And porn. Poor guy had to listen to me babble since I don’t get out enough.

Today I was supposed to help my friend John move a band saw. He called me on Monday to tell me he needed help, and the loser forgot to call today. Somehow he moved it on his own.