I returned my only Christmas present (from my sister) already. She got it online from Sears, and it wasn’t sent as a gift, so I had to get it back per their return policy. I turned a laser level into a boring gift certificate that goes bad in two years if I forget about it. As I was putting it back in the box, I got a nasty cardboard paper-cut that bled like an SOB.

The worst part about returning the laser level was going to the (unnamed) mall during the holiday season. It was almost as bad as walking down 23rd Avenue, which I had to do because my dad ran out of pipe tobacco. I kept bumping into tourists on 23rd Avenue. (Anyone with an umbrella in Portland is a tourist.)

The (unnamed) mall is a trash-o-rama. It’s crowded and everybody looks like they were kicked out of K-Mart. And the most frightening thing was seeing the women coming out of Victoria’s Secret. If anyone needed huge grandma underwear, it was the women walking out of that store.